I have finally decided.

I think I am going to create ANOTHER blog, strictly for creative writing purposes...
Now I am unsure.
So I may or may not have finally decided.


Hej hej,

Any

I don't have any real rolemodels or heroes

I'm watching a movie with Winona Ryder in it from the mid-90s... and things have changed, but really haven't. The styles have changed, and the mentality of "Cs get degrees" have pretty much escaped all young college students minds. But, the tight-knitness of friends in college... the core four- it sticks. And, in this movie, I'm seeing, if I want to go anywhere with my life... I'm going to have to leave it behind. Leave it all behind once my four years are up.

Because all you'll want to do with these people are talk, drink, go places, etc. These are great things- that is exactly why they are your friends. You like to have fun with each other. Again, the Peter Pan realization terrifies me. I have to leave that behind in order go on in life, but I don't want to.

Because they're the best.

Hej hej,
Any

This is for ( )

I read Dear Old Love
And think of you
Though you are not an old love
or a new love
or a current love.
I don't know what type of what you are.
You're a love.
And, you spring up in my mind.


-------


Yes, we went to school together. Yes, we were friends. You had a big mouth. I couldn't trust you with what I had to say. In fact, I didn't trust anyone in that school with what I had to say. You all were a bunch of dirty snitches-- but you, ah! You- drama queen- were the cream of the crop. You knew how to use the right amount of information to have you get away with everything. Because you were this, because you were that- everyone cry for poor you.
I was nice to you when we stopped going to school together because I remember talking to people who had seen you, and they said you were turning into a fuck up. I didn't want to believe them. So, I continued to talk to you. To be friends with you. Then, you came over to my house unexpectedly, and after that day, I knew I didn't want to be around you anymore.
You were a fuck up.
The lifestyle you live is one I do not want to be part of.
We shall be tragic artists in our own ways.
Don't drag me down with you.


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I feel extremely embarrassed of even considering to writing this.
I have neither met you, nor do I ever expect to meet you in person. We live in two different countries, two different continents. I have never spoken to you. But, I would like to say- you are the founding reason why I appreciate the beauty of men so much more. Honest! If it wasn't for you, I don't think I'd have the reputation amongst my friends as being a male appreciator. Thank you for that.


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More to come. I know I'm going to regret making these public in the future. But, pft. I'm a writer. I can get away with most of this.


Hej hej,
Any

I can't believe I said that.

The previous post. I can't believe I made it public. But, on the other hand, I can.

Argh?


Hej hej,
Any

This is for ( )

I wish I could tell you how selfish you are. Downright selfish. If there is anything at all about me brought up in the conversation... you lose interest. If it regards anything else, HA! We could go on for hours. The only reason I talk to you on AIM is because you're the only one who talks about interesting things (even if you do tend to brush off my personal remarks). And it pains me that you ask of where to hang out... and we haven't even met up or seen each other since last May.

Why am I friends with you?
There has to be a reason. I have yet to find this out.


------

One question: are you in love with me? I think you are. You know who you are. I'm sorry to break it to you, even though you know it, I'm not into you. Never will be. But we can be good friends.


------

And you, I wish I could understand you! I wish I knew more about you- but your reserved and distant personality prevents me from doing so. I know you socialize- I know you have friends. But, why does it take you to be under the influence of something to speak to me? To not come across as standoffish? Do you need that as your social lubricant to talk to me? I just want to be your friend. Because I like you. I like your deadpan face- and sudden, rare bursts of laughter. I like your intelligence. I like your passion for the pen, your willingness to admit you are shy-- but YIKES! it is driving me insane. I wish I knew how to crack you. Yes, because I feel as each day passes by, it's driving a wider divide between us, and all the awkwardness has it's ability to fill in the cracks. I don't know whether to regard you as a hovering raincloud or a $20 bill found in the pocket of my jeans. I hope that this doesn't make me sound like a creep: but I want a lot from you. And I keep telling myself to move onto wanting to know someone else... but you're still there.



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I just want to say once more, you are an evil bitch, and if you wish to sound intelligent whilst using uncommon English, it's "whence," not "from whence." LRN2VCB

----

I should do more of these exercises.

Hej hej,
Any

Previously posted elsewhere:

I just cried in hysterics. I had one of those "oh shit" -- something-hit-you kinda cry's. The first of my closest friends (there are four of us) left about twenty minutes. As soon as I got in my room, I started to cry. I have a year of college under my belt... and I am not going to see her for four months, or the other two. It's funny how close I am to them- I didn't cry at my Baccalaureate. I didn't cry at my Graduation. I wasn't too fussed about leaving my high school... I don't really make a huge effort to stay in contact with my friends from back home. But, the ones I have made up here, for the short time I have known them, I feel like I have known them more than any other person, aside from my family, in my life. I'm going to miss my shitty little room. I am going to miss my shitty roommate. I am going to miss my shitty Latin class. I am going to miss those shitty bagels I would get in the morning with the shitty drip coffee. It's so hard to not cry again... but I feel it rising. The odd thing is, I kind of like feeling like this. I think I have finally figured out what it feels like to have friends who act like friends, and not just say they are. I don't want these four years to end.

Going home is bittersweet.
More bitter than sweet.

Hej hej,
Any