To all of the party rookies.

Dear children applying to colleges:

You are a novice at partying. Do no deny this, but after the hot mess of an evening I witnessed, AKA March 12, 2010, I am most definitely inclined to write this blog post about all of the no-no's that I witnessed that evening. Partying is nothing like it is in the movies, it is far from that iconic (ironic) Asher Roth song. It will never be anything like you saw on The Cobrasnake (if anyone even still looks on that site at all... he is shooting at pre-teen b-day parties now, apparently), parties will never be like a Ke$ha song. In fact, parties have undeclared rules. I would like to provide you with some words of wisdom before you go on and make a fool of yourself your first year of college. You do not want to cross anyone who throws parties, you will suffer the consequences.

Rule #1: There is no such thing as "Free Beer"
You heard me right. This is just untrue. Do not assume that you can walk into a house without money or your own 6 pack to have a good time. Always carry around $10 if you decide to go out. That way, you can have a little booze, and maybe a few extra bucks in case if you have a hankering for a Fourth Meal at Taco Bell.
The person hosting the party will find out that you are raiding their pantry, and they will seek revenge on you. Oh, you know,like maybe find your keys and hide them in the cushions of the couch so that you spend a half hour trying to find them when you want to leave...

Rule #2: Just because someone gives you access to their drinks doesn't mean your friend can have some, too.
This is the sign of the ultimate dipshit. It's cool you are making a new friend with someone nice enough to offer you one of their Blue Moon's, but that does not mean that you can go back and take another one for your friend Taylor. "Hey, want a beer?" never translates to, "My box of booze is free reign- take as many as you would like!" Think about it, if you were the one offering a beer, wouldn't you be ticked off if the person you offered was overmooching after talking to you for less than ten minutes? That's what I thought.

Rule #3: Know your limits
Puking on the steps of the front porch is never classy. You don't want to be that kid who can't make it out of the door without having your friend sling you over their shoulder so that you can make it home- that is just embarrassing on your behalf. Always start out slow, you don't have to show for anything just because you can drink 10 beers in two hours (ouch!).

Rule #4: Do not be a scavenger
I am unfortunately guilty of this. A scavenger is someone who picks up random cans or cups, and tries to drink any of the remaining drops. Hey! There might be a little bit of a treat left over! This not only looks unfortunate to the outside observer, but this is how The Herp, Swine Flu, and Mono spread. Well, aside from rando-makeout-sesh's... Boy, am I lucky to have not contracted anything from that really sad night...

Rule #5: Always know where your friends are
Don't get left behind. It is just plain sad to see when a party is cleared out, and there is the lone soul sitting on a couch, drunk out of their mind, wailing, "Rachel is in the bathroom! I am waiting for her to come out!" only to hear someone say, Shit- Rachel left an hour ago!


That is all I have to say for now. I will update with anything new after the next shit storm I attend.

Hej hej,

Any