You don't have a clue.

My ass hurts.
My eyes burn.
My roommate is coming back tomorrow, and I have a raging mess going out of control in the room.

I think I should sleep more than anything, but I can't do that. Nope, because I must write. It's been over ten days since I have updated, not good for me to hold back on this.

I was thinking, back when I was on the bus from the airport on Wednesday, after I dropped my mother off at the airport, how difficult it was saying goodbye. I kept turning from my seat to wave goodbye to her before the 194 departs from Bay 1. She was standing there, with a big smile, letting out a puff every so often from her cigarette. I couldn't help but have that big lump begin to build up in my throat. That painful lump that forms when you are about to cry, but you're trying not to let your emotions show. It took a few deep breaths, a 4% volume increase on my iPod, and about 10 minutes drive in the bus for that feeling to go away.

I began to think, did I really want to go home? No. Am I just convincing myself that home is not a place that I would like to be? Maybe. I keep telling myself, I am never moving back to California. How much I hate living in LA- it's too expensive, the people are superficial. The weather is always hot (it is a desert, and I am no fan of a desert). But... it's where my family lives. Where my heart grew up. Why is it that I still have a piece of it there? Is it because I've only half moved out? I'm moving back for the summer only... but, I just think, why do people, who don't have traumatic upbringings in their hometown, tend to have a love-hate relationship with it? They say they need to get away... but they really don't mind going back?

I know that if I went back home for my Spring Break, after a few days, I'd need to leave. I can feel my blood pressure begin to boil-- not a good sign. The anxiety levels are not good when I go back home. Things are so much different here, and this constant transition, this flow... I don't know how I have been so lucky and so spoiled to have been uprooted and placed here. I have learned so much from so many people (despite what the grades say) and I am honestly convinced that I will never move to California again.

I am so sick of trying to decide if I am homesick or not.
I need some damned sleep.

Hej hej,
Any