Way to unstart the New Year (another pure confession).

I promised myself to start off my New Year right. Well, I haven't. I am ill. Gluttonous. I feel absolutely sickened with myself- licking the chocolate from the corners of my mouth... washing it down with a glass of Ovaltine. Wrong. So wrong. I can't say no- why can't I say no? Because it is delicious? Because I am afraid I won't be able to experience the sweetness ever again? I recently read an article that a friend of mine shared on her blog, and it said to stop being a procrastinator of pleasure. Well, I embraced those words. They are going to be my words to think about for the next decade...
but this whole eating thing- eating is supposed to be a pleasure. I find it awful that by me eating, I take no pleasure in the activity. I am constantly grazing. Right now I feel like I should be doubled over with my face in the toilet. I have consumed more chocolate than a poor child in a third world will ever have in their lifetime (if they are lucky) in one day. The more I mull over this, the more I want to puke, the more I feel upset with my decisions. And I hope I vomit because I deserve it.

Now it won't happen, and I'll have to sleep away my tummy ache.

I know I can do it. I know I can find a pleasure in not over- what would I call it? It isn't indulging. Indulging is a pleasant word, and with the state I am always in, it is never an indulgence. It is a living misery. I think this is an internal cry for help.

For those that know me, I don't know how you are going to take this, but bear with me. This addiction is bad. I need slaps on a wrist. I am like a drug user. Don't be afraid to tell me no. Help. I want help so bad- I want the rest of this year to feel much better than I do now.

I have to nurse my stomach ache.

Hej hej,

Any