Everyone has those moments where that little voice in the back of your mind keeps telling you something... and it just nags, over, and over- for years. It may be something pointed out by others, and when they say it- it doesn't bother you at all, but subconsciously, you wish they did not think that of you. Well, I have this thing- this issue, and I have finally 'come to terms' with myself over it, and I think writing and releasing it to the world will either help me or hurt me. I decided to take a risk and write about it anyway.
My name is Any, and I am a food addict.
How have I come to this conclusion?
Well, I am overweight. Technically obese, but that has a very negative connotation to it. By being clinically obese, that means that I am at least 30 pounds over my 'average' weight. When obese comes to mind, they usually imagine someone who is morbidly obese (over 100 pounds above their average weight). Though I work out like a beast (2 hours or more 6 days a week) and have been on athletic teams since the ripe ol' age of 7, I have always been heavy. Now, I'm coined as 'curvy.' I'm not totally dissatisfied with my appearance- I think I have a beautiful face, impressive skin, I am blessed with wonderful hair, 'perfect' teeth (my dentists have said so!), well-shaped lips, strong nails, the proportions on my body aren't bad. But, I am a food addict. I am not medically diagnosed, but I have been mulling on it for a while. I always feel guilty for my food choices at the end of the day. At night, before I fall asleep, I lay in my bed thinking, "Damn it, you need to be more disciplined!" and I scold myself until I drift off into my sleep.
Then I wake up the next morning, grab a venti drip coffee, pour in half of it with cream and 4 Splenda, and nom down on a poppyseed bagel with cream cheese in class. In class, I'll think if I have time to grab lunch or a snack before the next class. What will it be? When I get there, I grab both- I can have lunch, and save a snack for during class. Of course, it doesn't make it through class. Then I have practice, and before (even during) I'll think about what is for dinner. My mind gets distracted by the dessert options when the time comes to order, so I add that to my tab. I get home from dinner, have a snack then... and the cycle begins all over again.
Being home, away from school, it's worse. I just sit in the house all day, thinking of what to eat next whilst buttering a piece of toast.
And I keep telling myself, "Tomorrow... tomorrow... tomorrow you'll be on your track toward thin."
I plan vacations around food. Subconsciously- I YELP eateries in the area, ask the concierge for a list, and even people I know who have visited. People who are visiting places I have been ask me what to do, and I tend to list off places to eat first- before attractions, "San Francisco?! Oh, god- Boudin! Neptunes! Ghirardelli! Oh- Golden Gate, Haight St..."
My family points out how much I consume. My grandmother brags about the weight she is losing, "just by cutting out her carbs and eating smaller portions. You can do it, too!" My mother tells me to, "get out of the fridge- there's nothing in there that you need to eat." Out of spite, I eat more. I eat for 'revenge' and for comfort. To cure my boredom. I have moments where I tell myself, "You're never going to get this off of your thighs, give up." So I eat.
I am a food addict. I am living to eat, not eating to live. All of the wrong things. I am hating myself for doing it. I have done so well in the past by making changes, but then I get sucked back into the black hole of Food.
Food.
FOOD.
It's probably the worst thing ever. Because, you must eat to live. When you're addicted to what can aid you to stay alive... and you 'can't control' your intake, and it starts to make you feel miserable... people really don't know what to do. Those who are able to maintain their food intake usually give this advice, "just eat healthier foods- it's all about portion control. Exercise more," or, "you miserable fuck, you're just lazy. You're eating your way toward a disability, and it's going to cost me in the future with all of your medical costs you won't be able to afford because you won't be able to work. Get your act together."
Well, I can tell you this again: I am not lazy, I do not sit around all day, I work out. I am sure I have a healthy heart. Portion control doesn't exist to me. I try. This is why I am admitting to having a food addiction. It is going to take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get over this... but I know I can do it.
I just need to find the right support. The support from here on out. Forever. I know I can find it within me.
By writing and releasing this to the public forum, I shall forever have this to remind of what I need to accomplish. No more tomorrows.
Hej hej,
Any
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
you are too wonderful to feel sad. whether you do this or not, everyone still loves you!
that being said, you can do it! kick that bagel's butt! :)
If its any consolation, I understand what it feels like. I <3 food like there's no tomorrow (it's pretty obvious, heh)
That said, I know you can do it! It's almost a new year, so there's nothing better then a new outlook on eating!
Thank you so much for sharing this and for being honest with yourself about things. That's admirable, and it takes a lot of strength. It's something I still and always struggle to do. That, in and of itself, is just indicative of the strength you have within yourself to keep breaking it down and facing and effacing it. I am (we are) here to support you, and I'm proud of the introspection and will that you've already proven yourself to have.
with love,
preddy
Post a Comment