Retirement.

I won't lock you on the hillside
Where the fire comes each October.
I won't lock you at seaside
'Cause that's not any better-
When it rains, it pours
You'll get swallowed by the shores.



To be continued. Someday.

Hej hej,

Any

A simple photograph.

This post will start with something I wrote somewhere else.



No matter how much philosophy I have, and probably will study, when someone dies, someone is dead.

It doesn’t feel any better.

It certainly feels worse.

The situation isn't as serious as I am making it sound. People die every day. The thing is, when you know a face that has died (you don't have to actually know the person), you feel this violent wave of rage come over you, then you feel sad.
The feeling of sadness is what hurts the most. Nobody likes to feel sad. People get sad over things they cannot control.

I am sad.
Human beings are always dying.
Why am I not inherently sad, then?
I have not laid eyes on all who have died. If I were to see every face of every person to die, that would make me habitually depressed.

Death is a huge change. You have to figure out how to live your life without that person in it... which is frustrating.

I don't know how to resolve this feeling of sorrow and death... says the girl who has "Life is a Fiction" on her blog...

It's just hard to let go. I thought I had been able to convince myself death is 'okay.'
Death rolls around,
and it hits me like lightning.

This certain situation will pass in a bit. I just don't want to know what I will be like when something more serious rolls around.




This was horribly written.
It's all in my head, but it can't get out.


Hej hej,

Any

Melting under ice.

Young men
in crop tops
running shorts
and leg warmers.


What haven't we seen done today?

Enough.
That is what we haven't seen.

My legs turned black under the sun today. I had to return inside after my neck couldn't bear perspiring onto the pillow any longer. I sit inside, melting under ice- not used to this. It isn't as hot as it could be. The day is dying, the air is cooling, and maybe I will feel better in a few minutes. Maybe a cold bath is in order?
So much to do.
To unpack.

What a boring, tedious chore.
I am leaving this place in two weeks.
I am beginning to feel I live out of suitcases.
If only I could manage with one small case.

Maybe I will do that when graduate?

Take a small bag and hop around from town to town.
Sounds like a dream
an impossible reality.

Melting under ice.
This slow moving glacier crushing me- I want to break through. It is going to pass soon. Oh, so very soon. I am waiting. 14 days.

I need to clear my thoughts and make a new entry.

Hej hej,

Any

Damn.

Well.
May was a bust.



Hej hej,

Any

Hot month.

Maybe I can beat March this year.

173
I am on my way to 173.
Hell or high water,
it's where I will be.
I didn't see at the time
173 is perfectly fine.

I will stretch, I will confine,
I will melt, I will freeze-
Oh please, take me to 173.
I will run, I will swim,
I will define my goodness.
Oh please, take me to 173.

173 has the real me.
I want to be the true self
173
173
One seventy-three.

Hej hej,
Any

Never have I ever.

Never have I ever not wanted to smash someone's head in for sniffling.
Never have I ever thought or dreamt about my wedding.
Never have I ever not wanted to be famous.
Never have I ever ridden a bicycle.
Never have I ever read all of the books on my shelves.
Never have I ever truly realized how fortunate I am.
Never have I ever followed through on my major desires.
Never have I ever considered beer my drink of choice.
Never have I ever I wanted to die for something because I care for it so much.
Never have I ever had a full time job.
Never have I ever considered myself to be physically beautiful.
Never have I ever done drugs.
Never have I ever understood why I torture myself with desires and not do anything about it.
Never have I ever caused an avalanche.
Never have I ever written anything I have been completely satisfied with.
Never have I ever read my work in a public forum after the age of 14.
Never have I ever not wished I hated food.
Never have I ever not loved my family.
Well, maybe Kevin.
Never have I ever not thought something was wrong with me.
Never have I ever been brave enough to be committed to step into a new frontier without the aid or approval of my family.
Never have I ever wanted to cry more after writing this.

Hej hej,

Any.

North is better.

I don't understand all of these fruit fly gangs this year.
Isn't it weird at night: you look to the darkness of the East, but can still see the lightness in the West.

It still hasn't hit me.
I will be gone for a month.
In another country.

It will change me, but will I change for it?

A wonderful conversation- very brief- was sparked this early morn'. I have known this person for close to 6 years- we have had our ups and downs, but we are the closest we have been right now.

I said to her, "You know- it's so interesting to see how much people change when they go to college. I don't feel like I have done anything."

She said, "Don't feel like that. You knew who you were in high school, and you shouldn't feel obligated to have a dramatic change."

Strong statements.
Did I really know who I was 5 years ago?
Well. I was a water polo and swim jock addicted to pop punk.
4 years ago?
I didn't like water polo as much and liked swim much more and listened to screamo. AP magazine was my bible.
3 years ago?
I hated most of the people on the water polo team and only did it to stay in shape for swim. Fuck that pop punk and screamo shit. I loved electro.
2 years ago?
I worked a part time job at Baskin Robbins, used my tip money to buy NME weekly (my new bible, fuck Alternative Press). I only did water polo so it would look 'consistent' on my college transcripts. I hated everyone I knew at school. I cried. And cried. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to read. I didn't want to do a damn thing.
1 year ago?
I loved rowing. That was my life. Didn't really stay in the loop with current events or new music.
And now?
Well- I am more confused than ever. I look back, and there isn't a damn thing that sticks out in my mind and makes me think, "You really know yourself, Any."

I really don't know who I am, who I want to be. There is this idealized visual in my mind and I don't know how to get to it.

Why the fuck am I griping about this shit here?
Good god.

TMI TMI TMI

Maybe I am bitter over the current events that have occurred over the last few months.
My prediction was partially true.

TOO BAD IT WASN'T PERTAINING TO ME.

nix
nix
nix
stop thinking about that-
don't let it consume you

i can't

yes you can

no i cannot

shut the hell up.
you can.

Hej hej,

Any