Follow lonely crowds, those clouds will come.

I am not listening
beyond the 8-bit
in my ears. I am busy
burping up
the milk in my belly and feeling
dreadfully lazy
about the idea of brushing my teeth.


The thought of tomorrow
sickens me

Come Saturday
quicker
so I don't have to ever
see you

again.

I know it's brash, I know it is impulsive, and it is all so very typical of me. It makes things a lot easier to deal with. Nobody knows what happened
but I have to turn from you
and silently say
Gute Nacht
in your ear one more time. I hope time can erase your face
and your words
your grin
your charm
your whispers in my ear
your hot breath and damp palms-
your significance
your drunken cigarettes
your laughter
your justice
your lively eyes
your embrace-
All of it

away.
I need to experience
better things.
Remove me from this hook--

You're just a hurdle, right now.

Come Saturday
I won't be over you.

Damn it.


Hej hej,

Any

I wanted--

I wanted to post a poem I wrote for a course I had taken.

Then I realized that was not such a good idea.

You can wait to read it in the New Yorker, though.


Hej hej,

Any

Dream.

Writing this down as fast as I can before my mind goes to sleep for the day.

Me. Him. From Ireland. But American.
Ran into him randomly during a vacation with my grandmother.
Wooed me by singing various "The Early November" tracks.
I barely communicated with him verbally-
but it was a grand time.
I died- with every eye twinkle,
his crooked teeth,
goofy remarks.
Dreamworlds do not remind one you're taken.
But, nothing happened like that.
It was happiness love.

What I needed. I had happy dreams for once
And you were there, putting a smile on my face
as much as you do when I am in your presence.

Running through vacation houses, angering divas from a random MTV show-
Riding in the backseat of cars
Staring at you, still, until you decided to break out in song.
Wonky glasses.

The happy dreams were the best I could imagine
in this time of stress.
But now I'm a mess with this image of you
that is pretty much not real but has the potential to be accurate.


Forgive me.
I just woke up,
Crust lining the corner of my lips, outlining that happiness-smile from the happiest dream I had in a while.
Terrible at translating my thoughts to type.

Hej hej,

Any

Little hope.

Restoration needed inside of me. This week of contemplation, I have realized what is wrong with a lot of lonely souls. Buried, deeper and deeper, dying to crawl up and out and breathe in the sun: we want to get out and continue to believe there is no way up. The lie in believe feeds our hopelessness.
Scramble: bee live >>>>> be alive

Be alive!
There is no hole!
There are no walls!
You are in a field- vast and endless: run through it!

Encourage yourself to do
what you must-
and every good thing you
put effort in is
worth while.



The only hard part of this healing: forgiving
those who made you feel like you were trapped in the hole.

Ignore them.
There is no hole.
There are no walls.
You are in a field: vast and endless- run through it.

Seize the day
and every opportunity thrown at you. Keep your hands
and mind busy from here on out
in order to feel,
to breathe,
happiness.

There is a little hope right now.
Believe.

Be alive.


Hej hej,

Any

Aloha, July.

Here
and back
And there for a while
Now I am
changed
Like I thought
I would be
good thank
you for being here
with me the happy tunes
playing in my ear
echo of Wanting to go
back but the Knowing
it wasn't my place
to be
forever
I must keep looking
excuses I love
July blink of an eye
like Finny
worth my time
I loved
happy to be Here
hello Goodbye
July.


Hej hej,

Any

Retirement.

I won't lock you on the hillside
Where the fire comes each October.
I won't lock you at seaside
'Cause that's not any better-
When it rains, it pours
You'll get swallowed by the shores.



To be continued. Someday.

Hej hej,

Any

A simple photograph.

This post will start with something I wrote somewhere else.



No matter how much philosophy I have, and probably will study, when someone dies, someone is dead.

It doesn’t feel any better.

It certainly feels worse.

The situation isn't as serious as I am making it sound. People die every day. The thing is, when you know a face that has died (you don't have to actually know the person), you feel this violent wave of rage come over you, then you feel sad.
The feeling of sadness is what hurts the most. Nobody likes to feel sad. People get sad over things they cannot control.

I am sad.
Human beings are always dying.
Why am I not inherently sad, then?
I have not laid eyes on all who have died. If I were to see every face of every person to die, that would make me habitually depressed.

Death is a huge change. You have to figure out how to live your life without that person in it... which is frustrating.

I don't know how to resolve this feeling of sorrow and death... says the girl who has "Life is a Fiction" on her blog...

It's just hard to let go. I thought I had been able to convince myself death is 'okay.'
Death rolls around,
and it hits me like lightning.

This certain situation will pass in a bit. I just don't want to know what I will be like when something more serious rolls around.




This was horribly written.
It's all in my head, but it can't get out.


Hej hej,

Any