May.

This blog has turned into a pitiful dump of every moment I feel a surge of pain in my lifeline. It seldom sees the happy side of life. Is it even worth keeping?

Yes. For retrospective purposes.

Is it worth keeping up?

Probably not.

Tack så mycket.

Hej hej,

Any

The bad sleep.

So sleepy tired not exhausted tired.

You know the difference.

They are much alike. But I just want to lay down for 12 consecutive 30-minute naps to recollect and refresh my brain. Brain is drained. Burnt out. I want a year off to do nothing. But I already do nothing. Oi. Aye.

Hej hej,

Any

Where is my mind?

One-thousand eighteen emails

and not a single one from

you.

I gave up waiting ages ago

but it'd still be a nice surprise.

Hej hej,

Any

I give up already.

I give up being a feminist

I give up being smart

I give up food

I give up reading

I give up writing

I give up music

I give up being friendly

I give up being social

I give up being nice

I give up being polite

I give up being pleasing

I give up being happy

I give up having stress

I give up listening

I give up learning

I give up teaching

I give up being fat

I give up walking

I give up waking

I give up bathing

I give up courage

I give up dressing

I give up shopping

I give up speaking

I give up walls

I give up sharing

I give up caring

I give up being there for others

I give up threading

I give up seeing

I give up feeling

I give up traveling

I give up flying

I give up breathing

I give up

I give up

I give up

I give up

I give up

I give up being

Because you do not give enough to me

Hej hej,

Any

5 March, 2011.

I am frustrated. And tired. More frustrated then tired. Tired from the lack of fruit. And frozen vegetable diet.

But frustrated with me having the burden of being

black-sheathed.

I am the 4th wheel

And this is why

I should end it all

and have a life in ones

not pairs

not triples

not quadruples

not quintuples

not sextuples

not, etc.

because no matter how nice I live to others

I will always be shielded in black.

This explains my permanent scowl

my quick anger

my nightly wetwinks

The American Dream is a myth to the black-sheathed. Working hard will not pay off for me

because

no matter how hard I try

I will always be shielded in black.

Hej hej,

Any

Imagining the future in fours:

1. Yours will appreciate your extensive whip collection.

2. Yours will have a successful art gallery and play music.

3. Yours will adore your dry humor and play rugby.

4. Mine will spend all of my money, get me pregnant, causing me to tell our child that their father is only a sperm donor and to shake me another martini before I go hang out with my gay best friend.

Hej hej,

Any

Tonight in Seattle:

Tonight the bus was late.

Tonight the wind picked up.

Tonight the rain rolled down my coat.

Tonight my umbrella helped.

Tonight my hair grew.

Tonight I got off at the right stop.

Tonight the awkwardness of being alone at a show kicked in.

Tonight the habit of checking twitter on my phone happened.

Tonight I wished I had stayed to watch the Oscars.

Tonight things got good.

Tonight things got better.

Tonight things got amazing.

Tonight there were handsome men everywhere.

Tonight I didn't think about underground German gay sex clubs.

Tonight there was a man who danced to tropical punk rock like it were hip hop.

Tonight I tasted dream pop.

Tonight there was a red-headed spitting image of my 14-year-old idol.

Tonight I swayed like I didn't give a fuck.

Tonight I heard three cans of Coke pop open.

Tonight one band member played in two sets.

Tonight I missed California.

Tonight I tapped my toes.

Tonight I nodded my head.

Tonight I was glad I didn't stay home to watch the Oscars.

Tonight I sulked out of the venue to catch my bus home.

Tonight I missed my bus.

Tonight I waited outside of a sketchy bar in Queen Anne.

Tonight the bus came early by one whole minute.

Tonight the bus driver was grouchy.

Tonight the lights were off in the apartment.

Tonight the dishwasher was unloaded by someone else.

Tonight I am coming off my post-gig high.

Tonight was a night well spent.

Hej hej,

Any

The trick is to keep breathing

when the day looks so deceiving.

Hej hej,

Any

Any: Man repeller.

So I've thought very hard

and realized,

the man repeller that I am,

will never fill the desires for love

most feel everyday.

The dwelling over this decision almost makes it seem like I need it

more

than I will ever want to believe.

Hej hej,

Any

The Pains of a Loving Heart

And here I sit

I hear here

how in love this girl is

with this boy

who loves her back

so much

and his denial

is

-killing-

her

beat red face that

can't tear up

her bottled feelings

and I know

they are afraid

of the future

and the future

holds uncertainty

and they are stubborn

because

it may just be a

'phase'

but

I

know

from what I hear

here

it can't be

phasey

and

I hope

the best

for them

and I

am content with being

forever

alone

to avoid

ever feeling

The Pains of a Loving Heart

Hej hej,

Any

Windy tears.

I cry everyday, void of all thought, feeling and emotion.

I used to write it off as my eyes watering in the cold wind

until I realized it was reality

consistently

slapping me in the face.

Hej hej,

Any

Fuck off, November.

I am ready for December

and the sun

and sand

and warmth

and sunburns

and bathing suits

and palm trees

and driving in cars

and air conditioning

and fast food

and smog

and dreaming

not buses

not snow

not walking

not cocoa

not working

not coats

not scarves

not scratching

not chicken

not pie

not heaters

not worrying

Be gone.

Hej hej,

Any

Happy birthday.

To.



Me.


Good bye nine
teen


Hej hej,

Any

I think I feel I see I know.

I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know I think I feel I see I know and why?

Hej hej,

Any

Itchy legs

Sweat all over me
rolling down my cheek
neck
arms
back
breasts
legs
aching muscles
climbing up and down
pivoting stepping bending twisting
Take a breath--

You mean I'm not even close to being done?
I don't know if I like moving.

I wish I could settle down and be idle and comfortable
forever

because I am tired of itchy legs and arms.

Hej hej,

Any

It's September.

I'm waiting...

taptaptap

... and you still haven't said a word.

I guess we aren't important.
That's fine.

At least

the Situation is
two-sided
now!

re-Joyce.


Hej hej,

Any

Trot.

Please don't find this//
Please don't find this//
Please don't find this//
Please don't find this//
Please don't find this//
Please don't find this//


Friday.


Hej hej,

Any

Follow lonely crowds, those clouds will come.

I am not listening
beyond the 8-bit
in my ears. I am busy
burping up
the milk in my belly and feeling
dreadfully lazy
about the idea of brushing my teeth.


The thought of tomorrow
sickens me

Come Saturday
quicker
so I don't have to ever
see you

again.

I know it's brash, I know it is impulsive, and it is all so very typical of me. It makes things a lot easier to deal with. Nobody knows what happened
but I have to turn from you
and silently say
Gute Nacht
in your ear one more time. I hope time can erase your face
and your words
your grin
your charm
your whispers in my ear
your hot breath and damp palms-
your significance
your drunken cigarettes
your laughter
your justice
your lively eyes
your embrace-
All of it

away.
I need to experience
better things.
Remove me from this hook--

You're just a hurdle, right now.

Come Saturday
I won't be over you.

Damn it.


Hej hej,

Any

I wanted--

I wanted to post a poem I wrote for a course I had taken.

Then I realized that was not such a good idea.

You can wait to read it in the New Yorker, though.


Hej hej,

Any

Dream.

Writing this down as fast as I can before my mind goes to sleep for the day.

Me. Him. From Ireland. But American.
Ran into him randomly during a vacation with my grandmother.
Wooed me by singing various "The Early November" tracks.
I barely communicated with him verbally-
but it was a grand time.
I died- with every eye twinkle,
his crooked teeth,
goofy remarks.
Dreamworlds do not remind one you're taken.
But, nothing happened like that.
It was happiness love.

What I needed. I had happy dreams for once
And you were there, putting a smile on my face
as much as you do when I am in your presence.

Running through vacation houses, angering divas from a random MTV show-
Riding in the backseat of cars
Staring at you, still, until you decided to break out in song.
Wonky glasses.

The happy dreams were the best I could imagine
in this time of stress.
But now I'm a mess with this image of you
that is pretty much not real but has the potential to be accurate.


Forgive me.
I just woke up,
Crust lining the corner of my lips, outlining that happiness-smile from the happiest dream I had in a while.
Terrible at translating my thoughts to type.

Hej hej,

Any