May.

This blog has turned into a pitiful dump of every moment I feel a surge of pain in my lifeline. It seldom sees the happy side of life. Is it even worth keeping?

Yes. For retrospective purposes.

Is it worth keeping up?

Probably not.

Tack så mycket.

Hej hej,

Any

The bad sleep.

So sleepy tired not exhausted tired.

You know the difference.

They are much alike. But I just want to lay down for 12 consecutive 30-minute naps to recollect and refresh my brain. Brain is drained. Burnt out. I want a year off to do nothing. But I already do nothing. Oi. Aye.

Hej hej,

Any

Where is my mind?

One-thousand eighteen emails

and not a single one from

you.

I gave up waiting ages ago

but it'd still be a nice surprise.

Hej hej,

Any

I give up already.

I give up being a feminist

I give up being smart

I give up food

I give up reading

I give up writing

I give up music

I give up being friendly

I give up being social

I give up being nice

I give up being polite

I give up being pleasing

I give up being happy

I give up having stress

I give up listening

I give up learning

I give up teaching

I give up being fat

I give up walking

I give up waking

I give up bathing

I give up courage

I give up dressing

I give up shopping

I give up speaking

I give up walls

I give up sharing

I give up caring

I give up being there for others

I give up threading

I give up seeing

I give up feeling

I give up traveling

I give up flying

I give up breathing

I give up

I give up

I give up

I give up

I give up

I give up being

Because you do not give enough to me

Hej hej,

Any

5 March, 2011.

I am frustrated. And tired. More frustrated then tired. Tired from the lack of fruit. And frozen vegetable diet.

But frustrated with me having the burden of being

black-sheathed.

I am the 4th wheel

And this is why

I should end it all

and have a life in ones

not pairs

not triples

not quadruples

not quintuples

not sextuples

not, etc.

because no matter how nice I live to others

I will always be shielded in black.

This explains my permanent scowl

my quick anger

my nightly wetwinks

The American Dream is a myth to the black-sheathed. Working hard will not pay off for me

because

no matter how hard I try

I will always be shielded in black.

Hej hej,

Any

Imagining the future in fours:

1. Yours will appreciate your extensive whip collection.

2. Yours will have a successful art gallery and play music.

3. Yours will adore your dry humor and play rugby.

4. Mine will spend all of my money, get me pregnant, causing me to tell our child that their father is only a sperm donor and to shake me another martini before I go hang out with my gay best friend.

Hej hej,

Any

Tonight in Seattle:

Tonight the bus was late.

Tonight the wind picked up.

Tonight the rain rolled down my coat.

Tonight my umbrella helped.

Tonight my hair grew.

Tonight I got off at the right stop.

Tonight the awkwardness of being alone at a show kicked in.

Tonight the habit of checking twitter on my phone happened.

Tonight I wished I had stayed to watch the Oscars.

Tonight things got good.

Tonight things got better.

Tonight things got amazing.

Tonight there were handsome men everywhere.

Tonight I didn't think about underground German gay sex clubs.

Tonight there was a man who danced to tropical punk rock like it were hip hop.

Tonight I tasted dream pop.

Tonight there was a red-headed spitting image of my 14-year-old idol.

Tonight I swayed like I didn't give a fuck.

Tonight I heard three cans of Coke pop open.

Tonight one band member played in two sets.

Tonight I missed California.

Tonight I tapped my toes.

Tonight I nodded my head.

Tonight I was glad I didn't stay home to watch the Oscars.

Tonight I sulked out of the venue to catch my bus home.

Tonight I missed my bus.

Tonight I waited outside of a sketchy bar in Queen Anne.

Tonight the bus came early by one whole minute.

Tonight the bus driver was grouchy.

Tonight the lights were off in the apartment.

Tonight the dishwasher was unloaded by someone else.

Tonight I am coming off my post-gig high.

Tonight was a night well spent.

Hej hej,

Any